((Read in the tones of this wonderful sketch on Key & Peele's TeachingCenter))
Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to this cycle’s show of RNT, your one and only Redeemer News Tonight. We welcome all new employees aboard the Redeemer in this hiring round and it looks like we have some promising picks amongst the bunch! Over to our HR announcer that we have for some reason, Karla!
A stream of hiring photos flash along with the announcements.
Well first off, we’re looking at Bane Huyang! This slightly vertically challenged human signed on with the Security division and looks to be a rising star! We have a special news report starring this rough and tumble sharpshooter’s first week on the job in the mess hall!
With yet another human on the draft pick this time, the Captain seems to have a clear team makeup in mind as he hires Doxic Halcyon on in the Pilot division! This sneaky new hire seems to have a view that killing is to be avoided if at all possible!
Which is something the next new employee disagrees with completely! Joining Bane Huyang on the Security division is Sabel, who is too good for last names! This deadly Zabrak is happy to get into it and cut to the chase!
With the only other non-human in this fictional news story, it’s Zolwodod Zhai! Thanks to the teleprompter that let me read that name, it’s also telling me that this Duros has a finer appreciation for music and whacking things with a hydrospanner!
Finally, to round off our last hire from this cycle, it’s another human to fit into the Captain’s crew! A well-rounded smuggler according to his previous season’s records, this charming pilot will be the final pick to round out this team!
Back to you Rickie!
Thank you Karla, now for our special this cycle, we’re focusing on these new hires and the absolute hit they are with the crew!
((Now read in the dulcet tones of the Ozzie Man himself))
Grainy security holo-tape plays of a camera’s view of the mess hall
What you’re seeing here is this very morning’s mess hall footage, where some of our crew and the 5 new employees were having breakfast. You can even spot the white hair Sabel as she clears the line, with Bane and Devlin having a chat in the queue. With Doxic well ahead of her and seating with some existing crew members, it looks like Zolwodod rounds out the entry of the new hires.
Doxic’s Sabacc hands are too good as he plays out the crew, eventually joining the table where mysteriously, every single new employee seems to have gathered. Now the excitement starts as the loading crew, led by the chief heads over to test the rookies. Some small commotion is happening between the two groups as WHACK- the Security rookie Bane takes a huge swing at the chief. That doesn’t do much before WHOA- a massive flying kick over the frakkin’ table from the Zabrak Sabel!
The mess hall brawl turns into an all-out melee as the two Security team face off against all 4 loading crew, food is thrown everywhere, punches are flying, it’s just amazing! Music is starting to play all of a sudden, sounds like it’s Gamorrean Rock idol Snork’s classic album, “When Pigs Fly”. The bass is pounding, security’s trying to push their way through, it’s all a massive disaster. Until BAM- one of the loading crew goes down like a sack of meatlumps, Security is right there though, as they catch the tail end of one of the best ship-board fights we’ve seen in a long time. The XO isn’t going to be happy about this one bit.
The footage changes from camera angle to camera angle as it tracks the group
Well, it looks like not only are they not in trouble with the XO, they’re getting sent on a mission! They’ve spent an awfully long time in his office though, and it looks like it’s something important as they’re all carrying weapons this time. Coming up to Deck C, it looks like the Cockroach is the vehicle of choice, oh very brave! With hundreds of man hours and the assurances of every mechanic on board, the Cockroach has gained a fair pot on when it would finally kill its pilot, with most credits being slung on sometime this solar year! I don’t hardly blame then giving the old bird another once-over as they grill the maintenance chief on everything. First one in is Doxic as the newly hired pilot leads the way, followed closely by the others. That hunk of durasteel is in the air as it heads out the hangar, which is where I’ll be leaving you tonight! A quick reminder to all crewmen that Comedy Night will be held in the mess hall tomorrow evening with limited seating, so come early and grab your spots!
It’s been a pleasure hosting this cycle’s hiring draft and remember to tune in to RNT, your only source of Redeemer News Tonight!